Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
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Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
where the womens at?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.