Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
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Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Breaking news:
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Anyone really
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.