Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.