Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
oppen heimer style lol
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: