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Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!