interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.