[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
You Might Also Like
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Yoga Matt
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk