ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?