Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.