I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
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Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.