In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
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Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.