“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
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Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.