I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
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My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.