I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
can’t catch a break