*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
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Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer