Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
😂😂😂
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice