luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
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Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Hot hot hot 🥵
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date