A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
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Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.