The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
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*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT