We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”