If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
You Might Also Like
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat