*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
You Might Also Like
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
A drum solo but on your face.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day