HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
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Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
#SCOTUS one-star review
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?