What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
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Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to