Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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this is what they would have looked like, though
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I love twitter