“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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My whole life was a lie.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.