“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
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[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.