Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
courtroom exchange of the day
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine