30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
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How did we not see this back then?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
notice
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I told my vodka about you.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*