I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
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I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens