Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
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I’m sure it’s fine.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
i can’t wait that long
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
the #horror is real!
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.