Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
This is my cat’s medicine.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.