Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.