I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
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The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Wait a second…
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”