Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.