*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Always…
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you