Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it