I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”