I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
You Might Also Like
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m鈥檒ady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they鈥檙e either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Now they’ll never find me…馃槀馃槒馃惢
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.