I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Eat…
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.