If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
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The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity