[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
What the hell happened here.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin: