Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I think I’m having a stroke
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Friday night party time 🥳
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.