You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.