I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we鈥檙e both losing
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 馃檨
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My new driver鈥檚 license picture doesn鈥檛 look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.