Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.