Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
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My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ