A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
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Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.