At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I鈥檓 on the phone
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You鈥檙e out of bagel bites
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
cop: are you sure your identity鈥檚 been stolen
: very
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you鈥檝e committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn鈥檛 actually an illusion cake?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 馃
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: awww what鈥檚 your dog鈥檚 name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN鈥橳 WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what鈥檚 your favorite number?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can鈥檛 wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son鈥檚 last words: Because you didn鈥檛 do them
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can鈥檛 believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.