Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
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Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.